I just had my presentation of my programme for the performance project in the spring, and it was a complete disaster. Or, I thought I did rather well, actually, and the only comment Nigel Beer had was to voice is concern over me choosing to play primarily original tunes, and how to balance my cover songs so people would still recognise them and find something familiar to hold on to. But then it was Steve Spencer’s time to talk, and he basically spent ten minutes asking me over and over what my “rational” for the programme was.

I said during my presentation, I want to be a rock singer, so I want to put on a rock show. I want to create something unique and interesting, with elements of improvisation and experimentation, trying new things. In essence, I want to put on a good show, and isn’t that what a performance is all about?

But no, that’s not enough for Steve Spencer… He wants to know how the lyrical content is gonna be bound together. Said he didn’t feel I knew what it was I wanted to accomplish or something. I dunno, I blanked out after about two minutes, completely stumped, didn’t have a clue what to say to him… Once they let me leave I just hurried to the back of the room to put away my things, where I completely broke down and started crying in front of Memos and Antitsa.

I just felt so mortified. I could never have imagined that I’d be put on the spot to that extent. I thought it was perfectly clear what I wanted to do. The way I write songs would be the connecting feature, obviously. My sound, my voice, my lyrics, my music.

It’s not like it isn’t hard enough for me from before, coming here a stranger and trying to put together a band when I don’t know anyone, finding, once I know people well enough to have an opinion, that the people I like best and who are the best musicians are all taken since last year. I have a drummer whom I’ve never heard play and a guitarist I’ve never heard play electrically, I lost the guitarist I was originally gonna use which meant I had to reevaluate and recreate my set entirely because it just wouldn’t work the way I wanted it to without his unique style. I need to communicate in a language I’ve never communicated in musically, and here this ridiculous man feels he has to put me on the spot and ask me questions that I’ve already fucking answered!

It’s just not fair. And I’m crying again. Shit.

I need to calm down and keep writing my analysis. I have a tutorial in the morning with the only decent human being on the pop music staff, and I really should have something to show him.