I think I’ve got another existential crisis brewing. You know the deal. “Am I really good enough?” “Can I manage all this on my own?” “Will I get there in the end?” And then, also, “What am I doing here??”

I don’t like myself very much when I’m here… I feel like this shut-in, just hanging out in my room most of the time, playing computer games when I’m not working. Sometimes I make up excuses to go to the kitchen when I hear voices, just so I’ll see other people. Then I get all whiny, feeling like no one wants to hang out with me, when it’s me who’s hiding out in here. No one ever asks if I want to go out, but I never ask if they want to go out, either.

It’s probably hard for people to understand how scared I really am, all the time, of social situations, and talking to people, because once I get past an initial barrier you really can’t tell. Thing is, the barrier has a way of building itself up again, so if I don’t know someone very well I might not be able to approach them even though we spoke freely the previous day.

Maybe it’s foolish of me to think that I can make it in the big, scary world of music when I can’t even pick up the phone and talk to someone I speak to every time we meet by chance.